The day a vet I didn’t know killed my dog, my world imploded. In the lurching realisation of what had happened, it was as though every (kind of) healed wound of betrayal and abandonment I have experienced in 70 years opened up. If I had seen my insides splattered all over the wall of the little back room of the veterinary clinic I wouldn’t have been surprised.

3 days later.

The senior vet listens to my stuttering childish outpouring of grief and rage and disbelief without interruption. I feel heard for the first time. A detached part of me observes that I am breaking a lifetime habit of not making a fuss. I am making a very big loud messy fuss and I can’t seem to stop. When he does speak, however, it is not to answer my questions about what happened. How could a dog who was running up the hill yesterday with his ball in his mouth die getting an ultrasound without sedation? What happened in the 2 and a half hours he was there and why did it take so long? Why didn’t anybody phone me to say things had gone wrong? Why did she suggest I take my dying dog to the car park to see if he would “perk up”. Why did I have to point out to her that he had pulmonary oedema? Why did she tell me he had been ” a wee bit stressed and needed a wee bit of oxygen?” Why did she then keep me away from the resuscitation? Why did he look so disorientated and confused that he didn’t seem to recognise me? This was the dog that had pulled me to the clinic to go in because he loved visiting there (as long as I stayed with him).

Instead the senior vet says kindly that he wanted to help me with my grieving process. I say I want to understand WTF happened. He has no answer for that. I rage more. I ask him to find out. I ask for a written account of what happened in that two and a half hours. He says he will get that.

A week passes. I cannot sleep at night. I lie awake after 2 am until it is time to get up. I have constant nausea. The feeling of dread in my stomach occupies the entire space. A video loop of Murphy’s last half hour of life plays and replays. In the small hours my mind tries to imagine what might have happened. I become paranoid about why there is still no written report. I try to think what to post on my facebook page about the poodle gang. I do no housework. The place looks dreadful. I don’t care. Good people offer to visit me. I have no idea what I could say to them. I push them away and wait for the report.

Murphy wasn’t quite himself. He had started to leave the chewy bits of his dinner. I looked in his mouth. He certainly did need a dental. The front teeth were white but some at the back, not so much. I got an appointment at the vet. The clinic where all my dogs have had really great care for 12 years. Murphy had developed a murmur. His bloods were normal but an echocardiogram was advised as part of the pre op workup for an anaesthetic. Murphy had separation anxiety but was good as gold at the vet. I explained this and it was agreed that he could be admitted close to the time his echo would be done. No sedation. I signed the consent form and left him. I even joked to the girls at reception as I left….look I can’t even leave him for an ultrasound without crying. He didn’t want to walk with the vet. He told me to close the door and that then he would walk. I looked back and saw him being pulled reluctantly to the kennel area. That was the last time I saw him walk.

The day a vet I didn’t know killed my dog

By way of explanation, I plan to write this as it arrives in my mind. My mind is a jumble. Things arrive out of sequence, shoot off at tangents and generally behave in a disorderly manner. Mostly this happens after 2am when I wake up and can’t sleep. I considered waiting until I had written down everything I wanted to write and then editing and arranging it tidily in sequence. While that might make it easier to follow, it would be a sort of censorship. A sort of tidying up the mess. And right now I am a mess. I have been a mess for 4 weeks and one day. Four weeks and one day since a vet I never met before killed my dog. In the process she screwed up my head and for now at least, my life. I have neither the energy nor the inclination to make that tidy. I’m writing this for Murphy. Murphy who was the kindest, gentlest most polite boy you could wish to meet. Thank you for reading it.

Murphy

I never left a dog at the vet’s without anxiety. Not because I didn’t trust them, I certainly did, but something more primitive. Something about leaving them behind without me.

Once, while sitting in the clinic car parkI watched as a man in an unmarked van parked close to the side door. He got out and went in through that side door. Soon he came out again carrying something heavy in 2 black bags. He opened the van door and threw them in and drove off.

Another time, while sitting in reception I glimpsed a vet nurse carry a heavy bag out of an empty consulting room lke she was carrying some particularly awkward trash. Part of me could never quite dismiss the knowledge that they do death here as well as healing. I suppose death must become matter of fact. You can walk in with your dog and later you can walk out leaving the awkward trash behind. But no, that was never going to happen to me. I wouldn’t let it.

Mr Murphy and the Stream

One fine day Mr Murphy was walking in the Enchanted Forest with his red ball. He was thinking about nothing in particular when he thought he heard a sound. It was a tinkling giggling splashing sort of sound. He stopped to listen more carefully. Then he heard “Hello Mr Murphy” Well, Murphy was so astonished that he dropped his ball. “Would you like to come and play?” asked the tinkly voice. Mr Murphy picked up his ball and went to look for the voice.

He walked through the long green grass and then he saw it…….a little stream. The water was tinkling, gurgling and giggling as it splashed over stones. This made Mr Murphy very happy…..a new friend who wanted to play.

He walked right to the edge of the stream and stared. The stream seemed to be having so much fun, but he didn’t know how to join in the game. “Drop the ball in”, tinkled the stream

Mr Murphy opened his mouth, and his ball rolled right down the grassy bank and into the water.

The stream giggled and splashed as the ball bobbed and rushed off with the current. Murphy was shocked. The stream had run off with his ball. He didn’t think that was fair at all. He tried ever so hard to reach it, but he couldn’t.

He watched as his ball bobbed away with the stream, which was still giggling.

He sat down to think. His brain always worked better when he was sitting down. But he began to feel a bit sad. Then the stream called out to him…..”aren’t you coming to play Murphy? You have to get your feet wet to join in.” Murphy hadn’t considered that, but it did seem quite a brave sort of idea. He remembered that he was a brave boy and cautiously paddled into the water. All of a sudden the water felt tickley and lovely and he could reach his ball easily. He felt ever so proud! AND he had found a new friend and a new game. “I’m going home for tea”, he told the stream….”but I will certainly be back to play again”

And he ran all the way home to tell his friends about his BIG ADVENTURE.

THE END

The Tail of Mr Murphy and the Black Hole

Once upon a time there was a dog called Mr Murphy.

He had a red ball which he loved very much.

He always took it with him when he went for a walk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One day when he was out walking in the Enchanted Forest he saw a strange hole in the ground

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He wondered what it could be so he stopped to have a good look…..and a good sniff.

But that did not tell him what it was……………..and then he wondered………….what might happen if he dropped his red ball into it………….so he did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But then he could not see his ball any more. So he tried to find where it had gone. He pushed his nose in, then his head, then his body……but he could not reach it at all.         Mr Murphy wondered if it had gone into one of those black holes that they talk about on science programmes, which made him sad because he thought maybe he would never see it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile Mrs Rabbit had just put the babies to bed and was having a nice cup of tea, when a huge red ball came rattling down her hallway and burst into her nice tidy sitting room.

Oh my goodness what can that be? she said nervously.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile Mr Murphy was feeling glum. He had run out of ideas about how to get his ball back and it was beginning to get dark

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs Rabbit  did not want a big red ball in her sitting room and decided to push it back up the hall and out of the front door. The trouble was that her hall was uphill and quite steep.  Her babies had all woken up and come to see what was happening. They all got one behind the other and pushed and pushed and pushed. It was very hard work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mr Murphy heard a funny sound coming from the black hole. A scratching puffing and panting sort of sound. Then, all of a sudden the ball popped right out of it and rolled over to him.

He was ever so happy. He picked it up and ran all the way home

 

 

But Mr Murphy had made an important discovery. Things can come back from inside black holes…..but only if all the rabbits push.

 

 

 

 

 

The End

Chapter 4 Teddy goes for a walk in the Forest and hears a story from the Speaking Tree

Everybody walked down the little path from the house, so many teddies, all chattering and laughing. The Old Lady took Teddy by the hand and they all walked along the path that led deep into the forest.  Lots of animals peeped out to say hello. Bunnies popped out of their burrows to see where the teddies were going, one or two decided to join in the walk. Crow followed too, hopping from branch to branch, trying to guess where the Old Lady was taking them. Teddy was looking everywhere….since he got his new eye, he was just amazed to see that everything in the forest sparkled…..and everything seemed to be dancing. He was looking round so much that he almost tripped over….but the Old Lady had his paw in a strong reassuring grip and he didn’t fall over.

Soon they arrived at a clearing where there was lovely soft grass to sit on. The Old Lady found a tree stump and sat down, taking Teddy on her knee. A big  tree looked down at them all approvingly.  They hadn’t really walked very far but Teddy was puffed out and he was really glad to be cuddled because hi felt a bit empty in his middle and although the world was lovely and sparkly through his new eye, he thought he might be starting to feel sad again. 

I think we all need a story, said the old lady, and the big tree rustled it green leaves and cleared it’s throat.  Everyone sat down in a circle to listen.  I know a story about a tree that grew sideways, he said…….

 

 

Once Upon a Time, the big tree whispered softly, in the upper world that the human people call the real world, there was a place by the sea where there were no trees.  He paused for effect, since to a forest, that is a shocking idea.   There were no trees, because the wind from the sea blew so hard and so strong that it blew the trees away whenever they tried to grow.  The wind danced and roared and shouted and whistled so hard that everybody was scared of it.  The ocean encouraged this bad behaviour by making big waves and shouting “faster faster”.  Every new tree that tried to grow there blew away, until one day, a seed sprouted into a tiny tree, and that tiny tree wound his roots round a big rock. When the wind started to blow, it teased the little tree, saying how it was going to blow it away. But the baby tree held on and the rock held onto the tree……and it didn’t blow away even though the wind blew its very hardest.  The wind bent the little tree though, and it found that it was growing close to the earth instead of high up in the sky.  At first it worried that it was not a proper big grown up tree because it did not stand tall. But the earth whispered to it….you can be a tree that stays close to me. That makes you a very special sort of tree. And the earth gave the tree’s branches a kiss every time they brushed close.  Soon lots of small creatures who found the wind a bit of a bully discovered that they could make a safe nest on the ground under the tree…..and so the tree was very special, because it could help everyone who needed a safe place to hide……..and then the tree knew he was indeed a proper tree. He just happened to grow sideways, which is unusual but just perfect when you live beside the wind on the sea shore.

The big tree in the forest sighed, and his leaves shivered……which is what he always did when a story was finished.   Teddy liked the story, it made him feel a bit better though he wasn’t quite sure why.  He  touched the place in his tummy where some of his stuffing had fallen out when he was in the bin. We worried in case more might fallout now. The Old Lady had been watching Teddy. “Don’t worry”, she said, “everyone feels a bit fragile when they have lost some stuffing. I know a way to make that all better”, and gently she hugged him a bit closer.   Thank you Grandfather Tree,she said, and now let’s all have some lemonade before we walk home.”   So they did.

 

Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Teffi was so happy to wake up in such a lovely bed all warm and cosy. But then he remembered that his Boy was not there, and a dark shadow slid over his cosy happy feeling. He felt a kind hand stroke his head and gently wipe away the tear that had started to well up in his eye.  “It’s going to be alright little bear”, she said softly.  But she did not explain how it was going to be all right.  Teddy became aware of a heavy and sort of broken feeling in his chest.  He wondered if some of his stuffing might be coming out.  He knew that he had a few holes in his fur as well as only one eye.  It had not seemed to matter before, but now he wondered.   His life had changed so much so suddenly that he felt scared to get out of bed in case it changed any more.  Grandpa Teddy Bear touched him with an old, but very reassuring paw and looked at him with a look that made him think that maybe Grandpa Teddy Bear understood  exactly how he was feeling.  The uncomfortable feeling in his chest got a little bit better.

Just at that moment, the cups and saucers and plates in the kitchen started to clatter and jingle. “Time to get up”, said the old lady. It sounds like breakfast is waiting for us. At the word “breakfast”,  several more teddy bears appeared from under the blankets and everybody rushed and tumbled downstairs.

On the table was a big plate piled high with biscuits and a big jug of lemonade. A big heart shaped pink biscuit with sparkly icing jumped off the plate and flew straight into Teddy’s paw and the jug of lemonade poured itself into a tall glass for him. “This is certainly not like breakfast at home”, he thought.  He started to nibble his biscuit but  he noticed that his arm seemed to be a bit loose, and it was hard to hold the biscuit.  “Don’t worry Teddy”, said the Old Lady.  “After breakfast we’ll do some mending”.  So Teddy ate his sparkly biscuit and felt a lot more cheerful.

Just as Teddy was finishing his last drop of lemonade and licking the bubbles off his nose there was a loud tapping sound at the cottage window.  The Old Lady got up from the table and opened the window and in flew a great big magpie.  “Perfect timing” , said the Old Lady.  Something was shining and glittering in Magpie’s beak. Then with a clatter, he dropped it onto the table. Teddy stared. He had once seen something that glittered like that on a ring on a lady’s hand. But this was bigger and brighter and it seemed to flash the purest brightest light.

“That is just the job “ said the Old Lady, picking it up carefully and inspecting it.  Magpie preened and tutted in satisfaction.  Then he went to see if there were any biscuits left and picked a big blue sparkly one off the plate.  He took it to the window ledge and started to break it into sparkly crumbs and eat them.

Teddy wondered what such a magical thing could be just the job for.  The Old Lady showed him the glittering diamond.  This, Teddy, is your new eye.

Teddy almost dropped his glass in astonishment. He looked at the diamond and he looked at the Old Lady who smiled.  He was just about to ask “how?” when with one quick movement she popped the diamond into the place where his eye used to be.  He blinked….the world suddenly seemed to have so many colours and reach so far.  “It is a special eye Teddy” , she said. You have earned it by being such a brave bear. He gulped and found tears were wetting his face, but even the tears seemed to sparkle.  This eye will let you see all sorts of things……you will be able to see through things and round things and into people’s hearts if you need to.  Oh, and it looks pretty special too.  Magpie had been watching all this and puffed himself up with pleasure. I won’t ask where it came …..said the Old Lady.  “Oh just an old thing I happened to have in my nest” , replied Magpie. I thought it might fit. And with that he was off in a flurry of feathers and biscuit crumbs before anyone could ask any more questions.  The Old Lady smiled knowingly.  Well Teddy, she said, I think we should all go for a little walk in the forest now so that you can get used to your new eye.”  “ Please clear up now dishes” she said and the dishes all jumped off the table and giggled and tumbled over one another in their rush to the sink where they jumped into the bowl of soapy water.  The teddies and the Old Lady opened the front door and stepped outside.

Chapter Two

The animals in the forest were waiting. They knew she would appear soon, but they never quite knew where. Owl was the chief look out and he floated silently among the branches of the big dark trees.

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The old lady sneezed….purple mist will always make you sneeze….and surprised them all by emerging from underneath a big clump of bracken. Teddy snuggled deeper into the folds of her coat. Now that he felt safe, he was too tired to wonder what was going on or where he was. He let the slow steady beat of her heart and the gentle motion of her walk lull him into a deep dreamless sleep.

The old lady stepped onto the winding but direct path to her house in the forest; winding in order to keep it secret, direct because your heart’s true home is never more than a step away. Deer walked just in front, glowing gently to guide her as by now it was quite dark.

 

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She walked slowly, partly because Teddy was asleep and partly because she loved to say hello to everyone in the forest. Everyone means the animals, the plants, the trees, the elves…well, just everyone.

Owl flew ahead to tell the house she would be home any minute. The cups and saucers and plates all chattered and rattled with excitement. The cushions rearranged themselves to look their most comfy and welcoming. Only the pot bellied stove grumbled…..”I was almost out”, hc complained to the armchair, who took no notice at all. The stove was always moaning. He did it to hide the fact that he loved her so much and he missed her when she went out.
The old lady sighed with pleasure as she reached the blue gate to her house. The fireflies all jumped into their lanterns….which were really jam jars hanging above the garden path…..and lit the path to the front door.

 

 

 

“Did you find him?”, asked Grandpa Teddy Bear anxiously from his chair beside the stove. The old lady did not reply, but instead she reached into her coat and very gently brought out a sleepy bewildered and distinctly bedraggled Teddy.DSCF2753

 

 

“Please bring some warm milk with spices” said the old lady quietly. Immediately there was a noisy rattling and chirping of bowls in the kitchen. All the bowls wanted to take Teddy his milk. Soon a big blue bowl came running into the room followed by a spoon shouting “wait for me”.

The next thing Teddy knew, he was sipping the most delicious sweet milk, watched by what seemed to him like a room full of anxious teddy bear faces. It was nowhere he had ever been in his life, but he felt like he had come home.

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After a few spoons of milk Teddy yawned.  “Time for bed”, said the Old Lady. “It has been a very long day”.  She picked him up and carried him up the winding wooden stairs to the bedroom. Teddy opened his eye to see the biggest softest bed you could ever imagine. He felt himself being tucked in, and the very next thing he knew, he was fast asleep.

 

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The very first draft of the very first chapter of the very first book I ever tried to write…….

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CHAPTER ONE

The funny old lady shuffled down the pavement, one foot in the gutter, speaking to herself. People stepped round her, not really looking at her. She paid no attention, she was used to that. She shuffled because her boots were 3 sizes too big. She moved slowly because she was watching the ground and listening very carefully.

Teddy in the bin meanwhile had no idea what had happened to him. One moment life was normal. He had been out for a walk with his little boy. The next moment an impatient cross grown up voice said….”Big boys do not need to carry teddy bears everywhere”. He was grabbed roughly by the arm and went flying through the air to land in a cold hard dark metal bin.

He was shocked. He had no idea what had happened. He was so stunned that when he opened his mouth to shout, no sound came out. He could hear his little boy crying, but Boy’s voice already seemed far away. That made things even worse. A Teddy’s job is to be there when his Boy cries. That is when he is needed the most. But Boy’s voice got further and further away until he could not hear it any more. Then it was completely quiet and Teddy was all alone in the dark damp cold bin.

A tear rolled down Teddy’s face from his one eye. He felt very frightened and alone. He so wanted to be tucked up with Boy. In the dark they snuggled close, Boy smelling of soap and clean pyjamas, Bear tucked under his chin. This place was not at all like that. Bear started to cry again and sobbing quietly he fell asleep.

The old lady knew it was long past time to go home. It was quite dark and rain was now falling in cold splats. But she thought she had heard something. She was sure she had heard a snuffling sobbing sort of sound. She knew that sound and she was not going home until she found where it was coming from. Two big rats were scarring about beside her checking here and checking there. Then all three would stop and listen again. But now everything was quiet apart for the wet swish of an occasional passing car.

Then, very faintly, she heard….sniff…..sob…..and a faint rustle. She put down her 2 carrier bags and waited. There it was again…..sob.

Teddy woke up because he thought he heard something too. What he heard was a sort of rustling scratching sort of noise. He tried to move. He discovered that he seemed to be upside down and wedged between something hard and something squidgy. He opened his eye and saw……..2 bright beady eyes staring at him. Then with another rustle and a flick of whiskers and tail, the rat was gone. Teddy was scared. He wondered if rats ate teddies.

The rat jumped out of the bin and rushed to the old lady who was still standing with one boot in the gutter, head cocked to one side, listening. The rat scampered up to her squeaking urgently. Then he turned round and ran back to the bin. The next thing Teddy knew,a big warm dry hand was wrapped around him and ever so gently the hand gripped him firmly and lifted him out.

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“Oh, you poor dear boy”, she whispered. She stroked his cold wet fur and with great tenderness she tucked him deep into the folds of her big wooly overcoat, so close to her heart that he could hear it beating. All Teddy knew was that now he was safe. He would not have to try to be brave any more and he cried and cried and cried from relief.

The old lady’s heart started to glow. She quickly picked up her two carrier bags and whispered the magic word. If anybody had been there to watch, they would have seen a shower of sparks and a puff of strange purple mist as she disappeared down a crack between two paving stones. At precisely the same moment, she appeared out of a wisp of purple mist in the Enchanted Forest.

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So there it is. Some of the illustrations are just drafts too. A real work in progress with empasis on progress. Chapter 2 is bubbling up………:-)