I get home and let the other dogs into the house. I go back to the car for Murphy’s body. The feeling of horror and disbelief which will become a constant companion floods me. I have no idea what to do with him. I put a thick blanket on the sofa and place his body beside me. I touch his face gently and cry. The other dogs come to look. They sniff him. They look at me enquiringly. Teddy becomes excited and upset. He reacts badly to human emotion….a problem that has not gone away with the years with me. I try to stop crying. I realise the others need to be fed. I put 5 bowls out and realise that is one too many. I cry again.

I sit beside his body on the sofa. I don’t know what else to do. At some point in the evening, Kevin, the vet we usually see phones me. I can’t remember what he said. I know he was genuinely upset and wanted to know if I was okay. I just cried into the phone and asked why? Of course he didn’t know why.

I realise it is probably bed time. I can’t dig a grave in the rain in the dark. I carry Murphy up to the bedroom and put him in the bed he liked best. Dogs all go to sleep. I lie awake the entire night. I feel rage starting to expand inside me. I cannot lie still. I go downstairs and start to type an account of what happened and a list of things I want explained. Teddy pretends to be asleep but I see he is really watching me. I do not usually spend half the night downstairs.

I go beck to bed thinking I might sleep now. I do not sleep.

This night time routine continues for 3 nights.